


Upside Down Smiles

by astrangeishhouseplant



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Depression, Self Harm, Suicidal Patton, Suicide, Suicide Notes, glass, hard angst, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-18 21:03:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16524602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangeishhouseplant/pseuds/astrangeishhouseplant
Summary: Most of the time, failed suicides are taken as god telling the person to stay alive.Patton takes it as another thing he can't do right.





	1. failure

Patton had been receiving a lot of texts after summer had begun. Only from Virgil, Logan, and Roman. But it made him feel guilty that he didn't respond.

The other night, Patton had tried to end it. He tied a noose. He hung it from the ceiling, and slipped his neck into it.

It's too bad that he didn't tie the noose tight enough.

It's too bad that Virgil chose that night to check in on him.

Virgil saw Patton on the floor. He saw the noose on the ceiling. He pulled out his phone and texted Logan and Roman, telling them to get over immediately.

Patton curled away from Virgil. He didn't want Virgil to know that he was hurting. 'Virgil has been hurt enough. He shouldn't be caring about me. I'm not worth it.'

Virgil kneeled next to Patton. Patton still faced away. He felt a teardrop on his cheek, causing him to look up at Virgil. Virgil was looking down at him, crying. They kept eye contact for a bit, both of them sobbing. Virgil was the one to break the silence.

"... _Why_?"

Patton didn't know how to respond. He stayed silent. "Why do you wanna take away my ball of sunshine?"

Patton still didn't respond. Virgil wrapped his arms around Patton. He hugged Patton like his life depended on it. It might as well.

"I'm... S-...orry..." Virgil shakes his head.

"You don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't here to help you. I'm sorry that I didn't realize that you were thinking about this."

Once Roman and Logan had arrived and seen the state of Patton, they decided that it was a great night for a sleepover. Logan put on a movie, and Patton cuddled up to Virgil. Logan sat with Roman.

Virgil wasn't really focusing on the movie. 'Why would Patton wanna do this... he's the light of my life... I can't imagine living without him...'

It's not like Patton was focusing, either. 'Why can't I do anything right... I can't even tie a noose tight enough... why did Virgil come tonight...'

'What did I do to deserve him?'

 


	2. broken glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil reads a note while sitting on his bed, and Patton is sitting on a roof

 

That was a couple days ago.  Virgil is sitting atop his bed.  He reaches into his pocket to see the note Patton had written.  He forgot that he hadn't read it. 

It was covered in tear stains.  It was written in light blue crayon.  Virgil smirks.   _"Typical Patton_ "

 

_Virgil, because I know you're gonna be the one who finds me_

_Don't let anyone tell you that you're anything other than perfect.  Cuz if they do, they're a liar and a meanie!  You're my favorite person.  I only have one request for you: move on.  You deserve to be happy.  You can't do that if you're dwelling on me.  Find someone better.  I love you more than anything in the world!_

_< 3 Patton_

A new tear dropped onto the page.  Virgil's.  

 

\---------

 

Patton is sitting on his roof, looking at the sky. He's listening to his playlist called 'Upside Down Smiles.' It's completely made up of angsty music. It's peaceful. He likes it.

 

He pulls his pants up so he can see his calfs. They look like they had been attacked by a murderous kitten. He takes the sharpest part of the piece of glass and places it on the edge. He bites his bottom lip while dragging it across his skin, making a deep cut. It bleeds. That's normal. He pushes the glass into another part of his leg and repeats the action. About 20 minutes later, he stops. He puts the glass in his pocket after wiping the blood off of it. He wraps his leg in an ace bandage so blood doesn't get on his pants.

 

There were about 13 new cuts on Patton's leg. Each a punishment given to him.

  1. For being a horrible friend
  2. For making your friends worry
  3. For being sad
  4. For making your friends sad
  5. For not focusing on the movie
  6. For taking attention from those who actually need it
  7. For not responding to the texts he had gotten
  8. For not tying the noose tight enough
  9. For failing
  10. For not being dead
  11. For not being dead
  12. _For not being dead_
  13. **_For not being dead_**



It feels like the voice inside of his head was yelling at him to jump off the roof.

He wants to.  

 


	3. phone call

_'What's a no failure guarantee way...'_ Patton had been thinking that for a long time.  Ever since he failed.  It's all he can think about.  

That and how horrible he is for making his friends worry.  But he's starting to be able to convince them that he's okay!  Virgil, Roman, and Logan all think he's getting better.  Patton's glad about that.  

His phone starts to buzz.  He picks it up and looks at the caller ID.  

_Virge <3<3<3_

He picks up the phone almost immediately.

"Hey Virgil!  What's up?"

"Nothing really.  I just wanted to check on you."

"That's so sweet!"

"Are you doing okay?"

"Don't be silly, of course I am!  I'm a-okay!"

"Okay, Patt.  Don't do anything stupid without me."

Patton giggles at that remark.  "I'll see ya' later!"

Virgil smirks playfully.  "Of course you will, you don't have a choice."

Virgil hangs up, his soft smile disappearing.  Did Patton  _really_ think he wouldn't notice?  He knows that Patton's hurting.  He doesn't know how to help him.  He doesn't want to make Patton feel guilty, but he doesn't want Patton to ignore all of the pain that he would leave behind if he died.  Virgil wouldn't forgive himself.  Virgil knows that Roman and Logan wouldn't forgive themselves either.  

How is he supposed to make sure that the brightest thing in his life knows how bright he is without dumping a little bit of water on him?

Virgil's the only one that can do it though. 

Logan and Roman are both convinced Patton's doing better.  

But how can someone like  _Virgil_ help someone as wonderful as  _Patton_?

He loves Patton.

He doesn't know how he would live without Patton.

How does he explain how much Patton means to him?  

What was Patton doing right now?

Was he smiling, or was he watching himself bleed?

 


End file.
